i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
