last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
