I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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