I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
