I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I could make wine with my vomit
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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