Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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