I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
