I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
