yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
