Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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