Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
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