i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
my shit smells like andre
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
