I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
the room spins SO much faster in panama
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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