Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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