mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
