Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
