apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
