M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
