I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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