i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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