the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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