I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
