plz talk dirty to me
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
