Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
The best revenge is premature balding
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
