True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
