oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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