morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
