did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Randomize
