My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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