i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
