Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
