I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
