she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
