You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
