Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
