sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
