Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
