when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
