The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
You're a waste of cheezeits
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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