Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
