I just pynch a tree in the face
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
