YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
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