I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
