and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
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