I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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