tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
