I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
