Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
