She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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