I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I'm passing your future prison.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
